10 Things You Should Know about "Zombie Sex"

  I was once asked, "Can zombies have sex?" 
  A most curious question. And, as one who has seen a ton of movies related to the living dead genre, immersed himself into the culture, consulted on a zombie film, been a featured guest at ZomCon, been interviewed on TV and national radio, and written a book about the subject, I hereby confidently respond to that question in the following manner (with some questions of my own): 


#1  Um...why do you want to know that?
#2  Have you ever really thought about the science of death and what it does to the human body?
#3  Are you assuming that sexual desire (or the urge to procreate) continues after death or even "reanimates" along with the lust for flesh?
#4  Zombie-ism is the insatiable craving for brains (though flesh is an acceptable appetizer). I can hear some girls now, "Is this the only way we can get a guy to like us for our minds, and not our bodies? Geez!"
#5  Unlike your current state of being, sex isn't even on the radar for zombies. Actually, their craving is far more powerful than any sexual desire.  
#6  Certain parts of the body simply don't function when your flesh is decaying. Though muscular tissue is energized, enabling the zombie to have mobility, this activity is for the sole purpose of consuming. Even viagra can't help zombies (no rigor mortis jokes here, please).
#7  According to Episode 7 of The Christian Zombie Killers Handbook, the pleasure center of the brain (that part rebooted by the virus which creates the living dead) mysteriously only focuses on eating flesh and brains. No scientific study done thus far has been able to isolate why the virus does this.
#8  Even so, there is no actual pleasure or euphoria associated with a zombie's consumption of brains. No arousal or "high". Simply a sense of satisfaction that soon fades and is replaced by another round of craving (very much like the living's sexual desire in this respect)
#9  As far as researchers can tell, there is no memory of sexual pleasure or activity from a previous life for these flesh-ghouls. Further, while sex has great redeeming value in it's proper context, there is nothing remotely good about zombies or what they do.
#10  HOWEVER, the metaphorical zombie dwelling inside the not-yet-dead is enamored with sex and usually engages in it whenever and however it's urges dictate - mentally or physically. That is, unless one understands and is trained on how to slay it.


For more information on developing a proven strategy to bring "death to the dead" inside you, purchase or download The Christian Zombie Killers Handbook - Slaying the Living Dead Within HERE.

I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing

   Mac(kenzie) is the Kinley family Labradoodle. She, like many of our family pets, was named after a Beatle character (I know I'm sick, but my doctor says there's no cure). Six years ago, Mac joined a long line of assorted pets ranging from Ringo to Pepper to Lucy. But Beatle obsession aside, I'm also biased because I believe Mac is one of the smartest animals on the planet. She obeys. She loves. She hugs and kisses. She understands voice commands. She herds her psycho golden retriever sister back home when she wanders down the block. She checks in on you if you're sick. She keeps the bed warm for you before you crawl under the covers at night.
   Last night Mac read my lips.
   She even stars in her own Sermonspice Video. So now she's helping congregations understand more of what it means to have a relationship with God. I told you she was amazing.
   But most days Mac just enjoys laying on the day bed by the front window of our house, vigilantly watching for anyone who would venture down the sidewalk. School children. Old ladies with shopping bags. A man pushing a lawnmower. A couple out for a walk. A runner. A mom pushing a baby stroller. Mac sees them all, and lets them know she's near with her signature bark (usually prompting her less intelligent sister to yelp).
   Can you tell I have a favorite?

   Though it may look like Mac is effortlessly leading a "dog's life", lounging in the living room with nothing to do but dream, she is actually performing an important duty for the Kinley family. Her senses are trained to hear footsteps and voices from far away, and she distinguishes the sound of our cars apart from all others. Nothing gets by Mac. With ears perked, she's totally tuned in to what's going on around her. She never misses anything.
   Not to be sappy here, but how many so-called "Christ followers" could say the same thing? Occupied by their own lives, ruled by a desperate craving to be loved, accepted and important, they fail to see what their God may be doing around them. They regularly miss the gathering of their church family. They choose friendships that destroy their moral foundations. They lavish themselves with gifts while God's work and kingdom suffer for their selfishness. They plan their future without consulting the only One who can truly guide them. They feed themselves a steady diet of substandard, earthly philosophy while ignoring the eternal truth found in God's Word. They live in fear of offending anyone by talking about Jesus to their lost friends. Does that describe a true disciple of Christ? Is that being sensitive or attentive to God?
   So what kind of "follower" are you?  
   I mean, even Mac comes when her master calls . . . every time.

Lips

   Ever had somebody look you square in the eyes and lie to you? Or tell you they were going to do something, and then never follow through? The past 6 months I've been promising my wife I would move that old grill from the back yard around to the front for pickup. "I'll do it", I declared. But I didn't. I wasn't intentionally deceiving her, it's just that every time she asked me to do it, I was busy and so I'd put it off for another day. This went on for 6 months. Six months of saying one thing and doing nothing. Six months of - let's call it what it really was - lying. Maybe I didn't mean to lie, but I did. 

Until last Saturday.


   Enlisting my my 18-year old son's help, we hauled that sad, old grill that served us well for 10 years up the steep grade around the side of the house and finally to the front sidewalk. A huge wave of relief covered me. A sense of accomplishment. And honesty - made even more satisfying when some scavenging soul hauled it off the next day.   


   But what made the experience so fulfilling wasn't that my wife would now be "off my back" about it. No, what really inspired my inner end-zone dance was that my actions had finally caught up with my mouth. My life had matched my lips. I was reminded that good intentions are nothing more than self-deceiving sentimentality when not followed by actions. I get that. Really I do. I'm a pastor. People do that to me all the time. Words spoken in apparent sincerity not yet tested by the reality of life. Most famously,


"I'm sorry I missed church this Sunday but I promise I'll be there next week"
(unless of course something comes up, or I get a better offer to hang out with my friends)


   Some people feel this obligation to tell the pastor what they think he wants - or needs - to hear. If every person who told me they would be "definitely be back next week" actually came, we would be looking for a new building. :) Human nature being what it is.


  But enough of broken promises to spouses and pastors. What about the things we say to God? You know, those vain declarations we make to Him. Often in times of trouble or great need, but more regularly just as a matter of maintaining a certain level of Christianity in our own minds.


"I promise I'll never (insert favorite reoccurring sin here) again" 
"I swear I'll give my tithe to the church" 
"I'm going to start reading the Bible"
"I vow to regularly pray with my wife"
"I'm not going to date non-christians anymore"
"I'm done with porn. That was the last time!"
"I'm getting up early every day to pray"


   And God shakes His head and says, "Uh huh. Right."
   Does God ever yawn?
   You ever wonder sometimes how Jesus puts up with His children? Though we may have an inflated view of ourselves, but He sees us as we really are. In Matthew 15:8, Jesus quoted a bit of Isaiah 29:13, which says,


   "These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of Me is made up only of rules taught by men."

   That's when I usually do my Robert De Niro impression, "You talking to ME?"

   And how would you know if you are simply honoring God with your lips while your heart is far from Him? What are the signs? What are the symptoms of "bilabial-hypocrisy"? How bout this: you talk about commitment, but you don't do it. You tell God things you're going to serve, but you fail to carry it out. You have a great (christian) stance, but no follow-through. You're good at running your mouth, but suck at running your life. You may have great (even godly) intentions, but they die a quick death when exposed to the light of real life situations.

   So when are you going to get serious about your faith? When is your life going to mirror your lips and inner desire to follow Christ? When are you going to stop telling God things you know in your heart you have no real intention to do? Or are you content to be a poser the rest of your life?

   Could it be that you're trying to do it in your own strength? Or maybe your expectations are too high? Maybe you're going for the spiritual equivalent of a college degree but are perpetually frustrated because in reality you're still in 8th grade of your Christian development. Maybe you're not yet an authentic follower of Jesus and that's the reason you can't keep any of the love promises made to Him. 

   Maybe, after walking away from traditional church because of it's corporate hypocrisy that you're now discovering you've become just like those religious people you couldn't stand in that church. 

   Only you can answer those questions for yourself - that is, if you're honest enough to admit that it's possible to even lie to yourself. Here's an idea, given as advice to people like you and me by the wisest human who ever lived,

  "Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools, who do not know that they do wrong. Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God.    God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few. A dream comes when there are many cares, and many words mark the speech of a fool.

   When you make a vow to God, do not delay to fulfill it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow. It is better not to make a vow than to make one and not fulfill it. Do not let your mouth lead you into sin.    

   And do not protest to the temple messenger, “My vow was a mistake.” Why should God be angry at what you say and destroy the work of your hands? Much dreaming and many words are meaningless.    

  Therefore fear God." (Eccles 5:1-7)

There's a lot more about overcoming this struggle in my book,

The Christian Zombie Killers Handbook - Slaying the Living Dead Within 

   For sure, though I'm glad I finally moved that grill, I still fight the battle of broken promises made to my God. I'm slowly learning to line up my heart and actions with my words. 

   Slowly.

Trophies That Last

At the tender age of 11, on a dare from a friend, I entered a city-wide football skills contest in my hometown of Anderson, SC. I competed against boys all over town to see who could punt, pass and kick a football the farthest and straightest.

To my complete surprise, I won. I went on from there to compete at the state level, and again, to my surprise, I won. 

Over the next few years, I kept winning (though I never played organized football). And each time I won, they gave me a cool trophy. These were the heavy trophies, made of solid metal, not cheap plastic. And everybody didn't get one. Only the winners did. These trophies showcased bronzed, oscar-like statues, worthy of the sport the depicted.

The good 'ol days.

Fast-forward many years later. I came home from work one day to discover my son, who at the time was about 8, had accidentally broken one of those trophies while playing. Oops.

But to my son's surprise, his dad wasn't angry or even upset. I mean, come on. It was a stupid trophy. It could be repaired. And my relationship with my boy trumped any material possession I've ever owned. So instead of the broken relic from my childhood alienating us, it actually gave me a chance to bond even tighter with him.

We've been bonding ever since.

So what about your relationships? Are you experiencing a broken communication with someone right now? Is the friendship busted up? Bruised? Scarred? Still stinging from a wound received? Maybe someone you know you need to forgive, or someone you need forgiveness from?

If you can still recite the "Lord's Prayer", pay special attention to that "trespasses" part. Think about what you're saying when you quote it. After all, it is a prayer. A request for God to do something. Come to think of it, is there anything you've ever done that God has refused to forgive you for?

I didn't think so.

So, by faith, you can now choose to extend grace, and forgive that person. Or call them up and make things right. It doesn't mean you forget. It just means you extend to them the same grace and mercy God has extended to you.

The son I mentioned earlier will soon be 23 years old. He'll graduate from West Point in a few months. He's long since forgotten about that broken trophy incident. And so have I. But our relationship glue is still strong. Stronger than I ever dreamed it could be.

BTW, before I put it back in a box or on a basement shelf, I've decided to go get that old trophy repaired.

Just to remind me that things broken can be mended.

A "Church" Story

   The following is a post made on our church FB page from someone who moved to another state last year. 

   "It's so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day 'stuff' that life throws at you. It's easy to become discontent, or at least feel like you are discontent, with your current situation. I'm gonna be real with y'all for a second; I hated Little Rock towards the end of my stay. It was boring, I wasn't making it financially, and I hated my job. All great reasons to leave...or so I thought.

   If we met pre-VintageNxt, you can attest to the power of Christ to change someone's heart. I was a mess when God led me to Vintage. I was wandering thru life, making my OWN decisions, and living for ALL the wrong reasons. I was a user, both of drugs and of people. Only thru the grace of God was my life changed, and I feel compelled to tell you, I only met God because of the people of VintageNxt.

   The Kinley's are my heroes. They are ALL of our heroes. Never in my life have I met such an honest, loving, amazing, and Christ-centered family. They took me in as the mess I was, and never once pressured me to do anything but accept the love of Jesus, and open my heart to what he wanted me to do.

   Our family at Vintage is equally amazing. There is SO MUCH LOVE in that little church it spills over from Sunday to Monday and all the way back to Sunday. The people in that family WANT you. They want to live life with you; they want to love you. They want to help you and welcome help from you. You honestly care, and you truly love.

   Here's where I'm headed with this; don't be so blinded by life and circumstance that you ever discount what we have thru Vintage and our friends the Kinley's. God is a HUGE fan of what's happening at Vintage and it's clear by how passionately we feel about what we have there.

   There isn't a day that goes by I don't miss you all terribly. I don't tell you this nearly as much as I should, but I hate not having you all at my fingertips to love on, live with, and worship with! God brought me to you guys for a reason, and I miss y'all.

   Things here aren't the same without you. I love you, and you are all on my heart every waking minute of every day. There is only one VintageNxt, and we should all remember that without each other, we are just another Christian wandering through life without doing what Jesus passionately called us to do; LOVE THE HECK OUT OF EACH OTHER!! I love you guys!!! Have a blessed 2012 and I can't wait to see you!!"

   Notice he never mentioned "great church services", fantastic sermons, programs or a list of activities to choose from. Never once did he refer to a building or a committee. Not one reference to the style of music. It's not that those things aren't useful, it's just that that they aren't the "point". When someone grows to a place in life where they crave the spirituality and depth of relationship in your church . . . well, that's a good thing. 

   But here's what you need to know. You cannot "program" that kind of love and longing into people through slick presentations or on-stage personas. Ambient lighting and throwing money at ministries can never produce organic growth or manufacture disciples. It's the Word and Divine Love. 

   Only God can make a tree.

   The Vintagenxt experience isn't glamorous or noteworthy by most standards. It won't be featured in any national magazines as the next hip trend in "doing church". That would surely betray our very DNA. It's just something extremely wonderful that cannot be explained through great pastoral leadership, creative innovation or a big budget. It's just a God-thing, and I hope it always will be. That way He gets ALL the credit. It is both humbling and challenging. It's what I've always dreamed church to be.

   The test of any relationship is how much a person misses it when it's not there. And in this case, absence really does make the heart grow fonder. 

Christian Kryptonite

   Every person has a weakness. No, make that weaknesses. Chinks in the armor. Cracks in the foundation. Gaps in the wall. Bending points. Breaking points. And often we are caught by surprise at the proverbial "final straw" that ultimately causes us to explode or implode. Oh, its doesn't necessarily mean your life is over, or that you'll head out on a wild shooting spree at the local mall. It doesn't mean you'll hop the next flight to Cancun and hide under a palm tree with an iced beverage for a month or two (though that one does sound tempting!)


   In reality, bending to the point of snapping may mean you quietly lose your steam, your passion in life. It means you give up, give in and give yourself over to something just as deadly as overt sin. You succumb to the curse of mediocrity, a fatal disease which relegates you to an almost drone-like existence. It doesn't kill you like a sniper's bullet, or take you out in a millisecond like a roadside bomb. Nope. It eats away at you like a cancer, a little bit every day.


   As fallible humans, we forget how fragile life is, and how weak we really are. We can only see ourselves for who we truthfully are when we're under the stress, weight and burden that life heaves on top of us. Finances. Anxiety. Family problems. Relationship struggles. Job or career frustrations. And we wake up one day and decide we're tired of carrying the load and fighting the battle.


   So where will your strength come from? An "iron will"? A positive attitude? Some philosophical Zen mind trick? Or something better, deeper and more practical and substantive?


We are not as strong as we think we are. Even hammers can bend.

Do You Know the "Myths of Christmas"?

  We celebrate Christmas for many reasons, many of them stemming from man-made traditions. However, you may be surprised that a lot of what we think Christmas is never actually happened. And many of our fondest "beliefs" and traditions are based in fiction and misunderstandings of Scripture. For example:


Tradition: Jesus was born on December 25.
Truth: Nope. Probably the Spring. And the Christian church didn't even celebrate Christmas until about mid-4th century, and then only as an alternative to a pagan festival based on the Julian calendar and based on the cult of Mithra. Addtionally, Jesus was born about 4 B.C.


Tradition: Mary gave birth the night she arrived in Bethlehem
Truth: Nowhere in the Bible does it say that. It could have happened a week or more after the couples' arrival (read Luke 2:1-6 carefully).


Tradition: Jesus was born in a stable
Truth: The Bible never mentions a stable, though it says Mary laid him in a manger. In that area and culture, caves we more common places to keep animals, and sometimes lean-to's attached to houses. The couple probably stayed with relatives afterwards, but no one knows. If it was a cave, how ironic that He was born in a cave and later would rise from the dead out of one.


Tradition: Mary rode to Bethlehem on a donkey.
Truth: Seriously? About 60 miles and 9 months pregnant? Unlikely Joseph would have allowed this. She probably rode in a cart or a wagon.


Tradition: Angels sang to the shepherds.
Truth: "Hark the herald angels sing" is a Christmas song someone made up. There is no mention of singing or angelic choirs. In fact, there is no mention of music at all. Angels don't sing. They proclaim. the word 'angel' means 'messenger", not 'singer'. And instead of a choir, there was an "army" of angels (check out Luke 2:8-14)


Tradition: The angels announced world peace and good will towards all men.
Truth:  The angels announced the glory of God in the highest heaven and peace to those people upon whom God's favor rests.


Tradition: Three Kings visited Jesus on that Christmas night.
Truth: #1 There were no kings mentioned. Instead, they were astronomers. Modern-day storm-chasers. Truth-seekers. Possibly wealthily. And there was probably a caravan of them. Jesus was close to 2 years old when they arrived (compare Matthew 2:1-11)


So is your beliefs about Christmas grounded in sentimental tradition and manger scenes, or in the truth of what Scripture actually records?


Bottom line: You should never base your faith on folklore or tradition, but in something much more reliable.


Christmas means God became a man so we could know our Creator and have an eternal relationship with Him. Now that's something you can believe in!